In Search of Happiness

Where can one  find happiness ?
Thoughts like "Will I be happy if this  or that happens the way I planned?"  come and go.
And what if things don't happen the way  I wanted them to? What now? Do I sit and sulk or cry my heart out?
In the quest for the answer to this, I ended up in the process of looking  inwards, into my mind .

Can external  circumstances  dictate my feelings?

There have been days when I would have loved to climb atop a mountain and scream "why me?"
Finally I would just settle  for crying in a dark room for hours and then get on with life as if nothing happened.

When did the transformation  happen?

The real transformation  happened when I accepted my anger as a part of me trying to tell me I'm hurt deep down.
I  changed my routine,was more aware of my feelings and put in consistent efforts to feel at peace with myself. Meditating even when my monkey brain would have jumped ten thoughts ahead while the guided  meditation  was on. But nevertheless  I didn't give up on myself. After all I was in the quest of finding inner peace and the much elusive happiness.

How does it feel now?

I have come a long way from all those feelings  of self pity and anger.
It wasn't easy, but there wasn't  much of a choice. I  had to  choose between  sulking all my life or make peace with the situations. I chose the latter. Wasn't an easy choice. Sulking  was a lot fun.
On a serious  note..  the acceptance    brought about a blanket of peace that covered my whole being. I felt so liberated from my anger and anxiety.
For a very long time, I had used anger to propel me towards getting  things done and camouflage  the feeling of hurt  and  injustice  i felt  .
Slowly  the  external  circumstances stopped  controlling how I feel and behave.
I had to take a break from the old thought process(easier said than done  when your  brain doesn't  let you forget the last time you tried   and  failed)
However  philosophical it may sound,  I  chose to switch to calming  myself down in the face of  a storm that refused to abate at any point in my life. 
I feel reborn when I see myself calmly  facing all situations with a clear mind. I can't but applaud myself  for   my perseverance  and will power.
Having a child on the spectrum  has been challenging.The fact still remains I absolutely  and whole-heartedly  love my son(who is on the spectrum)as much as  I love my daughter (neurotypical 19 year old).  Infact, I have evolved as a  better  human being all thanks to both my children. They both taught me to love unconditionally  and made me realize that I'm a lot stronger  than  I thought .

Ranjitha 

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